04/28/2010 In Humor

I never miss my chance to snag a Sky Mall catalog from one of my flights; they read like an absurdity-lover’s Mad Magazine: pure comedy. Full of things impossible to imagine having an actual demand, Sky Mall somehow has eeked-out its existence selling 8-foot-tall Anubis, Egyptian god of the afterlife statues to wealthy flyers – those and other equally ridiculous items. Here are my top eleven products in the most recent catalog:

1. Aculife Therapist Deluxe $199.95

Suggesting to consumers “be your own doctor,” this hi-tech home acupuncture kit claims to be able to cure a variety of ailments such as chronic pains, inflammation or body irregularities. One look at the doctor pictured in the ad and the semi-conscious human would say “no way in hell.” He’s got a look on his face like “I dare you to say this shit don’t work. What? You got a problem with that?” Where it really falls apart is that non-sensical diagram of the hand listing the various points and what they control. If I’ve got a breast tumor, I’ll use this thing at the base of my thumb and then I’ll be cured. While I’m at it, I’ll head right next door to the “coffee-ground vomitus” section because I ate a bunch of coffee beans this morning and have been throwing them up ever since. I’ll feel better by noon for sure!

2. Gravity Defyer Shoes $129.95 – $139.95

Put a little spring in your step and an accurate representation of what sperm looks like on your feet.

3. Wrist Cell Phone Carrier $29.95

If Spiderman had a cell phone, I imagine he’d carry it like this. The average valuable member of society however understands how pockets work and can manage them without this “fashion statement.” I just love how this product is supposed to cure bulging pockets with what? A bulging sleeve and social awkwardness.

4. X5 Hair Laser $299.00

I don’t understand lasers. Nobody does. Anything you tell me a laser can do, I’ll believe you; they’re just that mysterious to me. You say a laser will make it so I never have to clip my nails again? Hit me. You say a laser can end world hunger and cure AIDS? No shit. You say if I rub this laser on my head for some amount of time every day my hair will stop thinning and grow back? Wait just one minute! How much time are we talking here? I ain’t got all day to spend playing with my hair.

5. Deep Penetrating Light Therapy System $399.95

Want to look and feel younger? Put your face next to these Lite-Brites and watch the years melt away! Don’t believe it works? It’s “based on NASA research of wound-healing in space,” but it will help you here on Earth! Simply saying “based on” doesn’t mean it’s the same thing. Hell, my TV remote could be based on the same NASA research. I love how at the end of the description they admit that results may vary and that you’ll receive a bottle of Collagen and Elastin Moisturizer with your order (no doubt skewing said results).

6. The Only Underwater Pogo Stick $59.95

“The only” for good reason! I just can’t wrap my brain around a pool toy based entirely on something that’s fun on land. I mean, I’m a total rock and don’t consider myself to be buoyant, but I don’t need a pogo stick to bounce off the bottom of the pool; mofo I’m weightless!

7. TrekDesk Treadmill Desk $399.99 + $62 Shipping

The cornerstone of evil: working out while working. Somehow sweating all over your documents and computer, breathing heavily while on the phone and physically fatiguing yourself while working is supposed to boost productivity. Fat chance! … or slim chance?

8. The Telekinetic Obstacle Course $99.95

Will it allow you to maneuver a small ball through a course using only your mind while wearing goofy head gear? Yes. Will you then be able to move other objects once detached? No. Did Christian Bale get paid to be the model for this ad? He god damn well better have or he’s gonna chew some ass.

9. Electronic Fung Shui Compass $199.99

No longer do you have to say “I have a bad feeling about putting the couch in that corner” only to be rebuked by your spouse. You now have proof it’s a bad idea from an electronic device with a vague description as to how it works. Using “advanced aerospace guidance technology” this little doohicky “calculates supportive energy fields.” Sadly, it comes with a travel charger so the insane can rearrange their hotel rooms and piss off housekeeping.

10. Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System $59.99

Robert De Niro’s character in “Meet the Parents” trained his cat to do it, so why can’t you have your cat’s dirty paws all over your toilet?

Head Spa Massager $49.95

Really I think this probably feels heavenly. The dude in the picture however isn’t getting a head massage, he’s having mind sex with Sandra Bullock like Sylvester Stallone did in “Demolition Man.” Either that or he’s under mind control from an alien overlord – both are total possibilities.

There used to be a term called “patent medicine” that referred to miracle cures of a questionable nature peddled by passerby’s who would stop in town and set up a soap box. Thank god we have Sky Mall to provide us with the same fine level of service these conmen and women once did. And I want you to know, I could probably have made a top 50 list, but I chose to stop short at eleven because A: that’d be a pain in the ass to write out and scan all the pictures for and B: I wanted you to have some entertainment on your next flight.